I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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