I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
