Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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