based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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