remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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