when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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