I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize