Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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