So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize