Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
