Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
