I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
