Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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