I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
