So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
