i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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