got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
