you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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