Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
