I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
