When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
someone owes me an orgasm
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
