I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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