You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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