i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
