The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
