Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I can't put those talents on a resume
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
