I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
