You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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