if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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