I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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