life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
