My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
