I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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