i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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