I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
