ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
