He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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