I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
