is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
