Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
