dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
