today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think i got beer on your cat.
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