he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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