she takes plan B like it's going out of style
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
