I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
