Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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