She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
