Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
