Plan B is the new Plan A
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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