My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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