I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
