It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
