You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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