smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
