We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
