the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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