you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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