Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
