Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
