The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
