I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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