I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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